15 Oct Fear + Nice Guy Tendencies = Paralysis
You’ve heard the terms: toxic shame, needy behavior, self limiting beliefs (SLB), integrated man, attachment to outcome, grounding, inner confidence, vulnerability, positive and negative emotional tension etc., etc. It can make your head spin! But what do all these terms really mean to guys like us who are simply seeking the life we want?
By breaking down the key elements of what holds men back in relationships and career success we have the beginnings of a toolbox to help us through the most difficult times that often includes fear of talking to beautiful women and frankly making money and living our ideal lifestyle.
So here are a few terms to get you on the right rack:
No more Mr Nice Guy
I’ve studied with Dr. Robert Glover, author of “No More Mr. Nice Guy,” the groundbreaking book that opened my eyes in an awesome “ah ha!” moment. It was such an experience it inspired me to become a Certified NMMNG Coach/Therapist so I could share the teachings with men in need.
You see, typical nice guys (you may be one) are consummate people pleasers who sabotage their own needs because they don’t feel worthy (a result of toxic shame or other roadblocks) and/or they want people to like, love and validate them. This leads down a rabbit hole of frustration and self bashing that can turn a man’s world upside down.
These beliefs often manifest themselves as “needy” actions and behavior that most women find weak and illustrate a lack of leadership in career. Neediness is almost always a result of being attached to an outcome. For example, you want the girl to be your only girlfriend, or always be available to you … you NEED those assurances or you become anxious. In a woman’s eyes you appear unable to handle uncertainty (fear) which from her biological and evolutionary standpoint screams weakness. The reaction should be to simply to let the relationship flow and do not take rejection of any kind personally.
Basically this is the mental garbage we carry around with us either consciously or unconsciously that prohibits us from doing the things that get us the results we want. This can be an insidious little demon because our actions will do exactly what our mind is telling us not to do. For example, we see a gorgeous girls who smiles and KNOW that we should approach her and say hello but our legs get like lead, we start to sweat and freeze on the spot never making the move. This is sucks and we regret it for the rest of the day.
Why does this happen? Good question that can’t honestly be answered in a BLOG. But the main reason is because it’s something that psychologically scarred us deeply in our formative years that stops us from being bold and getting what we want. Once we get down to the core of these Self Limiting Beliefs (SLB) it’s half the battle!
It’s just what it says. Fear paralyzes you from getting what you want because it’s directly tied to your self limiting beliefs (SLB) that were ingrained in the amygdala, or lizard/primal part of the brain which created anxious memories in the mind from an early age either sparked by abandonment, shame, teasing, taunting, etc. that all scarred you emotionally. These emotions often control your frontal cortex (the decision making part of your brain) and you may not even be aware of what’s happening! That’s when fear takes over and you become stuck.
Where women are concerned there are those who say men need to be real and vulnerable. So how does a guy remain “vulnerable” without looking like a pussy? So many men have tales about being too nice and losing their girl to some asshole jerk.
Women love men who can laugh at themselves and show they have feelings (hugging the puppy). But they don’t like whimpering crybabies. Granted it’s a tightrope act, but women need to feel your strength first so they can trust. Once they trust your soft, feminine side becomes an added bonus.
A popular and sometimes confusing term nowadays among men’s movements, “grounding” simply means you are confident in your own skin. And unfortunately there’s been volumes written about the definition of confidence, but the truth is confidence is not something we’re born with … it’s gained through accomplishment and knowing we can handle a situation. This usually means stretching your boundaries, getting out of your comfort zone and challenging yourself. Those actions breed confidence.
Once confident, a handy hack about being grounded includes not caving into other’s whims if you feel strongly about an issue, not letting people walk all over you, not being overly concerned with what others (or society) dictates are your shortcomings (your SLBs) and facing your fears. Bravery is not being unafraid, it’s acting in spite of being anxious.